In my thoughts: How I am stepping up to depression
Updated: May 19, 2020
My post can be depressing, inspirational at times. I don't like to discuss my mental health illness but that's my reality. For some reason, around this time my depression starts to come back around like the police are knocking on your door at 6am or the health department annual inspection comes in, unannounced. I do not like surprises or visits.
Depression: "Knock , Knock"
Me: " Who's there?"
Depression: "Its me!"
Me: (opens door)
depression: "its me your friend"
me: "What do you want? you are not a friend. Friends don't let others drain them of their sorrow"
depression: "I'm just doing my annual visit and check up on you. How's your guilt and shame"
She (depression) comes in wearing a neutral pea coat with her hair pulled up in a bun with a smile but not just any smile, a vicious smile. Like bitch I'm bringing all of your energy down because I'm miserable so I want you to be miserable. She takes off her coat and sits in the corner chair . Now she's wearing all black.Her and I fight all the time, I keep telling her to go away. Fuck that I might put a restraining order on her.
I've been doing this healing journey since 2010 has been rocky and I've failed many times. 2016 was the year that I decided enough is enough and what I know now that I didn't know then, is that deciding was phase one, execution was phase 2. Phase 2 was dealing with two deaths at the same time.
My cousin Moni died in 2017 of breast cancer and my godfather died of a heart attack in 2017. Moni's death allow me to feel my feelings out for the first time and faced shit I've been shoving under the rug. My godfathers death I have never dealt with and I'm still in denial about it. My godfather was like my dad and I never got to say goodbye to him. One day Ill decided to face his death. Not today
Ive been struggling to surrender to vulnerability. I have a hard time even surrendering to my therapist about my depression. Finding a safe space, a non-judgemental space to be vulnerable has been a difficult process in the sense as someone not using your story against you. Telling loved ones you have a sense of loneliness without receiving the eye ball feels even more lonely. Instead of running away from the feelings, I'm tapping into it and connecting to it like whats up.
How am I facing depression? Baby steps
I see a therapist, My third one
I take yoga, with Daniele
I say no to what does not feed my soul of good energy.
Almost 10 years after being diagnosed with depression, mental health is still a stigma in my community.Is still uncomfortable to discuss that you have a mental health illness. How do you say it when you are trying to date? Make new friends? Suffering from mental disorder does not mean you are negative. If anything i am an overachiever I say
I prayed to god to please get me out of this funk--- These were my thoughts two years ago
Almost 10 years after being diagnosed with depression, mental health is still a stigma in my community.Is still uncomfortable to discuss that you have a mental health illness. How do you say it when you are trying to date? Make new friends? Suffering from mental disorder does not mean you are negative. If anything i am an overachiever I say I prayed to god to please get me out of this funk--- These were my thoughts two years ago